Do man buns twist your spleen into a taut coil of loathing? Do cereal cafes make you yearn for the rise of an oppressive dictator who would surely ban such pretentious nonsense?
If so then the twitter phenomenon and forthcoming book Get In The Sea is most definitely for you. Like all the best ideas the concept is very simple – the small minority of cast-iron dickheads who ruin life for the rest of us are made to leave this sceptred isle to share their attention-seeking follies with the fishes. The book is an oasis of sanity in a world gone mad and will have you pissing your sides laughing. At times it will have you standing and applauding.
The idea of dispatching the very worst elements of modern day life into the watery abyss is the brainchild of Andy Dawson, otherwise known as @profanityswan on Twitter, and speaking ahead of the book’s launch this week we put the world to rights on z-list celebrities, John Terry and fucking tea pubs.
DC: What initially raised your hackles to such an extent that Get In The Sea was born?
Andy Dawson: I’ve always been opinionated and sometimes aggressive on Twitter but about ten months ago I had a few things going on in my life that were a bit stressful and I realised I was becoming more angry than usual. I wanted somewhere else to put all this non-stop invective and at the time a lot of people were saying ‘get in the bin’ so I changed that to the sea and started chucking things in there. The first person to go in was Luisa Zissman from The Apprentice. Just before the general election she put out one of those fucking statements that celebrities do saying if Labour got in she was leaving the country. That’s the sort of thing celebrities such as Phil Collins or Jim Davidson say, not some two-bob reality TV show contestant. So I had a bit of an argument with her about that and then decided she’d be the first one in the sea.
DC: You must have been blown away with how quickly people responded to the idea?
AD: Yeah, that was the best thing about it. I’ve got a lot of followers anyway so it was quite easy to get the ball rolling but there still needs to be people out there who buy into it. Thankfully a lot shared the same hatreds. It got up to about thirty thousand followers in three weeks then I knocked it on the head. It had been a bit of fun. But then people were asking about it so it came back by popular demand and it’s just grown and grown since then. It’s now got about 130,000 on Twitter and 170,000 on Facebook.
DC: Considering the sheer level of clusterfuckery included in the book this is a tough ask but which example is most deserving of a salty drenching in the ocean?
AD: One of the things that fucked me off considerably was the advent of the tea pub. Pubs that just sell tea. That’s not a fucking pub. Pubs are pubs and if you’re just selling tea that’s not a fucking pub, it’s a tea shop or a fucking café.
DC: A common thread through the book does seem to be pretentiousness….
AD: It is. It’s pretentiousness but also attention seeking. The media is to blame because everything is 24 hours now so everyone is constantly battling each other to get people looking at their websites. So you get all these arseholes coming up with ideas and there’s a massive soup of shite and fuckery everywhere. It’s endless.
DC: Have any nominees got in touch to protest about their punishment?
AD: There was some clothing company in London about two weeks ago. They were selling a paper trilby hat for about £120 but it was in a sale down to £65. It was fucking made of paper! So I got a photo from their website that had two fellas modelling the hat but some guy got in touch and said one of them was his dad and would be hurt by the negativity. So I buckled and put up a picture of just the hat and relaunched that into the sea.
DC: Were Blur right all along? Is modern life rubbish?
AD: No and that’s the fundamental heart of all of this. Modern life is brilliant. People are wonderful and the world is amazing. There is just this small group of fuckheads who try and spoil it for everybody else.
DC: Ever considered a football sequel entitled Get In The D?
AD: I could do. There is a chapter in the book that’s just sport and leisure so there are football bits and bobs in there.
DC: You’re a big Sunderland fan. Can you single out any opposition player or referee who you’d most like to see up to their necks in the atlantic?
AD: John Terry without a doubt. I didn’t need to give that a second thought. As I once said on Twitter John Terry has been exposed for a lot of bad things in his time but it’s all about the things we don’t know about. There’s all the parking in disabled bays and (Andy then says a couple of things we’re probably best off not publishing).
DC: Have you ever felt a twinge of guilt from consigning an individual or product into the sea?
AD: I don’t think I have. There’s always got to be a gut reaction from me that says ‘fuck off!’ when I see something.
DC: Didn’t you recently take a dip in there yourself?
AD: I did. Up to my knees. It was fucking freezing and I couldn’t feel my feet. I wouldn’t recommend it.
Get In The Sea is out this week published by Penguin and available at all good book shops and online. Get it for your sanity’s sake.
The Cutter’s own football picks to be reduced to shivering flotsam are –
Hey Sepp, we’ve brought you down to the seashore to show you something really exciting. Do you see that tiny dot in the distance? No, not that. Further still. Yup, right out there. Well that’s a small island where you’ll find several large bags of cash and female footballers in tiny skimpy shorts.
Go on. Swim out to it. What’s that? You’re old and frail and won’t make it? Well here’s a pinpricked buoyancy aid.
Arsenal win – “Is Arsene Wenger the greatest manager of all time?”
Arsenal draw the following evening – “Is Wenger past his sell-by date?”
You’re just aural clickbait for Kwikfit fitters. Off you pop.
An uppity urchin fucknut. Jack the lad would probably pull a hammy getting into his Speedos.