John Terry: The Schoolboy Years

John Terry: The Schoolboy Years

by Chris Tobin So footballs very own bustling billionaire hit man Roman “The Russian Redundancy Specialist” Abramovich has decided to entrust the remainder of the Chelsea’s calamitous campaign into the slippery soiled hands of all round good guy, family man if serial...

Chris Coleman’s Masterplan Found In Bin

Mere months into the Wales job Chris Coleman’s position is already in doubt after the Cutter discovered a roughly-drafted team-sheet discarded in a bin outside a shop of mirrors he frequents on his days off. A sharp-eyed Cutter employee retrieved it as Coleman...

The Most Hateful, Intense Rivalry In World Football

Noel Draper reports on a hate-filled fued that has simmered for nearly a century between two clubs whose rivalry makes all others look like handbags at dawn. I have a confession to make and it is this. I hate football hooligans. There, I said it. I don’t get it...

FA To Rebrand Team England As Lovable African Underdogs

by Joe Hill In a press release issued today, FA supremo David Bernstein outlined a surprising new plan to re-brand England’s national team in the style of an African nation. Labelling the England brand ‘toxic’, Bernstein outlined his reasoning behind the changes: “I...

Citizen Barton Fights The Power

Whoever bought Joseph Anthony Barton a box-set of Citizen Smith for Christmas clearly did so as a joke intended as a gentle ribbing of his self-styled Twitter persona of a freedom-fighting everyman. Unfortunately it appears that the joke has somewhat backfired with...

Tabloids Scrape The Balotelli Barrel

by James Oddy Italian football prodigy MARIO BALOTELLI has yet again shocked the football world by indulging in absolutely no OUTRAGEOUS behaviour. The Daisy Cutter can exclusively reveal that the City star INDULGED in no ROMPS WITH PAGE 3 STUNNAS or SET FIRE TO £50...