John Terry Wins US Open

John Terry is in hot water with the F.A after pulling out of tomorrow’s World Cup qualifier against Ukraine claiming an ankle problem only to then endure five hours of demanding, exhilarating tennis at Flushing Meadows in New York to secure his first Grand Slam victory.

The disgraced former national skipper – who is so patriotic it is rumoured that he bleeds tikka masala and strong tea – was seen in crisp Fila whites and pristine sweatbands proudly holding aloft the silver trophy to a watching world with barely a glisten of moisture upon his brow. The image however is sure to enrage F.A officials and manager Roy Hodgson who were hoping to have Terry point a lot and make mistakes only to redeem himself at Wembley tomorrow evening as England take on their most difficult opponents in Group H.

An insider in the camp exclusively confided to the Cutter this morning, “He’s a huge loss particularly as John is flying so high at present. Sure he has the turning circle of an oil tanker with a broken helm but just look at his recent achievements. First he puts in a man of the match performance in the Champion’s League final – keeping Gomez in his pocket throughout without so much as getting his kit dirty – and then he changes the entire British legal system meaning you can now do and say whatever you wish as long as it’s meant sarcastically. Perhaps John feels he is now untouchable but to cry out of a crucial England international so he can go swanning off to America is really beyond the pale. Roy is so seething he can barely speak”.

Untouchable he may appear to be in the eyes of the law but the Cutter understands that karma has finally caught up with the Barking boy as he races back to London to explain his actions in his R2 Turbo with the Only Fools and Horses theme tune blasting out from his hot stereo.

It seems that Terry is now actually too unwell to participate in tomorrow’s fixture after all following his decision to shove a shattered-looking Scotsman out of the way to offer an emotional embrace with Judy Murray.

The icy persona of the Lady Macbeth figure in the stands was so creepy as she hugged him back it has given him the shivers and shakes.


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  1. Why don’t you guys get a new patsy? This guy is being hounded by the media without your purile contribution. It was an UEFA dictate that he had to be in kit to receive the Champions League trophy…as was ALL the other squad members, non playing et al. It was well publicised that he would jointly collect the trophy. Find a more deserving “victim” of your “humour” maybe Rio or that nice Mr Giggs, or other paragons of virtue could have a share & more deserving of such invective.

    • You’re so right mate. Of what I have seen it was the red nose that’s been there to pick up at least one trophy this year. LOL

    • @ Steve P: Is that you John??

  2. this is getting very boring now and really not very funny

  3. A failed attempt at humour. Pal, you fucking lost the plot. Go stick your terry-loathing face real deep in a pile of rubbish! You embarass yourself!