Spartak Celtic celebrate winning the inaugural All-Scottish Euro Cup. Rangers await their turn.

Senior representatives from each club in the Scottish Premier League were last night locked in talks with the SFA over forming their own version of a European tournament. A key condition of the event is that no foreign clubs will be permitted to enter it and ruin everything by being good at football.

Although plans are still at a nascent stage it is believed an amalgamation of the current formats of the Champions League and Europa competitions is currently being mooted and it will be tentatively titled the All-Scottish Champsopa Cup until suitable sponsorship is found. Sides such as Celtic, Hearts and Rangers will be seeded against hapless part-timers from the Shetland Isles and Outer Hebrides and play each Thursday evening for half the season before finally switching to group stages on a Wednesday where they will face each other twenty times apiece.

Grampian TV have already declared an interest in securing the television rights though it is not known how many hundreds of pounds they’ve bid.

A spokeman from the SFA told the Cutter, ‘We’re noo playing those bully boys from Switzerland and Slovenia anymore. They pass too quickly and tackle really hard. If American baseball can have a World Series then Scottish footbae can have a European Cup.’

An early suggestion from the committee, that was thankfully dismissed out of hand, was that each club would adopt a more continental sounding prefix during their midweek fixtures. Real Cowdenbeath, AC Arbroath and Steaua Motherwell were names believed to be bandied around amongst the heady whiskey fumes of the boardroom.