'Leevepool? Non. Kelly? Si'

by Nathan Critchlow

Kenny Dalglish has hit back at reports Liverpool are set to make a multi—million pound bid for Spanish and Barcelona super-striker David Villa, stating his journalist daughter’s news director had misunderstood a private conversation after Liverpool press conference. This report surfaced following European wide reports David Villa and Barcelona team-mate and demi-god Lionel Messi had fallen out.

Dalglish told keen reporters at Liverpool’s Melwood training ground this morning, “About a week ago I had just finished a press conference about the upcoming fixtures for Liverpool. I saw my daughter Kelly in the crowd working for ESPN and asked if I could have a private word. Following our lovely family trip to Malaga this summer I told her I was thinking of surprising the family by buying a Spanish Villa in Barcelona, and would she like to come and see it for herself.”

Dalglish continued explaining “Unfortunately later on when talking to her news producer at ESPN Kelly let slip she would need a few days off to go to Barcelona with her father to look at the Spanish Villa, which they were hoping to get in time for next summer.”

“Everybody knows Barcelona only have one player, Lionell Messi. How can we buy somebody who doesn’t exist?”

The news producer was naturally very excited, and made a note to talk to Kelly when she returned at the start of the following week. Kenny explained when questioned on her return to work Kelly said “Her dad had been very impressed with what he saw in Barcelona, and was particularly pleased with the finish”. However she also divulged “there was a problem with the people around the Villa, in particular one who was Messi”. Unable to control himself at this exciting, exclusive story the ESPN new director made sure it was the top story all day on the news, which has subsequently spread to the national and international media.

Naturally the reports were met with bemused faces at both Barcelona and Liverpool. Liverpool have subsequently released an official statement, “The rumours linking the club with Spanish Footballer David Villa have no grounds” further adding “Everybody knows Barcelona only have one player, Lionell Messi. How can we buy somebody who doesn’t exist?”

When leaving training several reporters have asked members of the Liverpool team whether they would like to play with a player of Villa’s talent. Steven Gerrard  inexplicably said “Yes, well, you know, the lads have done really well so far today, and we’ve pulled, you know, together as a team, and it’s a good three points, you know, and like, the manager doing a top job, like, and you know, like, we’ll just get our heads down and move on”. Jamie Carragher has also issued a statement, but nobody could understand him, not even Gerrard.

In Spain our reported asked Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola what he thought of the rumours, to which he responded “I have the upmost respect for Sir Alex Ferguson”.