Bankruptcy-magnet and tropical fish connoisseur Peter Ridsdale has skin that is largely made of Teflon, a leading scientist claimed yesterday.
Dr Simon Greenaway of Peterborough Polytechnic has been conducting studies on the world’s worst football chairman since August and released his astonishing findings to coincide with the announcement that Ridsdale has been given yet another club to ruin in Preston North End.
Through a series of simple tests he was able to determine that the man who believes a winding-up order is some form of achievement possesses skin matter that is significantly different from any other human being. Namely that it is chiefly made up of a material usually found on non-stick frying pans.
Dr Greenaway has spoken exclusively to the Cutter about his work.
‘I first began to suspect something was seriously amiss when Peter was allowed to take charge of Plymouth. Here was clearly an incompetent buffoon incapable of stewarding a football club who was seemingly free to cause as much immense damage to institutions as he so pleased with nobody standing in his way. First Leeds, then Barnsley, Cardiff and, sadly inevitably Plymouth….he jumped into bed with each one then left them in ruins in much the same manner as a gigolo with AIDS. Yet nobody from on high said ‘Hang on, you’re a fucking clown who shouldn’t be allowed within ten miles of a sporting arena never mind in charge of their finances’’
‘So I contacted him – luring him to my lab with the simple fib that there would be cameras and press there – and proceeded to examine his dermatological components. While he was here we also placed him in a MRI machine to discover whether he possesses the ability of large-scale mind control.’
Although no unusual readings were found there Dr Greenaway did unearth some fascinating data as regards to Ridsdale’s skin.
‘Almost immediately it became apparent that all was not right. The typical epidermis – the layer of skin that is visible to the naked eye – on a hand for example contains millions of dead cells. On Peter’s there was a high dosage of a chemical compound of fluorine and carbon called polytetrafluoroethylene (PTFE). Or, in short, Teflon. He is basically immune to anything sticking to him in addition to being able to withstand all heat’.
We attempted to contact Mr Ridsdale last night but was told by one of his dozen secretaries that he unable to comment as he was busy ‘spending lavishly’.