Cutter pundit Lorro – not Lawro – ponders the stupidity of football.

The Cutter’s resident pundit and expert analyser Mark Lorrowson – who bears an unfortunate and uncanny resemblance to the BBC’s footballing sage with a similar name – kindly takes time off from compiling his Encyclopedia Of What A Goal That Was By The Way and offers his thoughts on the fixtures ahead this weekend.

Norwich v West Ham

“That Grant Holt’s a big fella isn’t he. I wouldn’t have fancied marking him when I was playing. Terrifying. He’s a big lump though but hey, good luck to Norwich and Paul Lambert, they might play route one but if that is what’s needed to stay up y’know. But I just can’t see them getting anything here against West Ham. Big Sam has got them playing play-and-move again, like the academy of old, and haven’t they signed that lad from Liverpool? They’ll be okay.”

Lorro’s prediction – 3-0 to Big Sam

Arsenal v Southampton

“Lambs to the slaughter Southampton. I mean, why do they even bother? Pointless. Next.”

Lorro’s prediction – “Take your pick. 6-0. 7-0. One-way traffic”

Aston Villa v Swansea

“Someone told me the other day that Villa haven’t been playing Alan Hutton. Work that one out. A big club Villa. Huge. But does anyone know any of their players anymore? Precisely. Whereas you could argue that Laudrup – and what a player he was by the way – has got the Welsh playing on the floor now with that Mitch fella…what’s that? Michu? Bless you…..a top, top player. I can just see lots of goals in this and that’s a Given”.

Lorro’s prediction – 2-0 away win (“Pingu to score both”)

Fulham v West Brom

“Roy Hodgson has done a great job up there. Bags of experience for the baggies. But Fulham have Danny Murphy – ex-Liverpool. But really who cares? Isn’t there any golf on? Who in their right mind would want to go see this? It’s just going to be pass, tackle, shot. Same old story. Why sit in the freezing cold to see that? Get a life”.

Lorro’s prediction – “Rory McIlroy but don’t discount Mickelson who has sorted out his short game”

Manchester United v Wigan

“Alec could send his…Rooney…youth team out and they would still knock up a…Rooney… cricket score here and you could argue – as daft as this sounds – that Wigan should just count their blessings…Rooney… to be on the pitch. I mean, who are they? They’re a rugby team aren’t they? I just hope…Rooney….that the German lad Kawasaki plays. Top, top player by the way. I hadn’t heard of him….Rooney… until this season but what a prospect”.

Lorro’s prediction – “Rooney”

QPR v Chelsea

“My thoughts on Terry and Ferdinand? Handbags. Just that. Handbags. Get over it for goodness sake. I mean, what’s all that about?  A bit of banter. End of story. In so far as the game I just think it’s good to see both clubs cut their cloth accordingly and not make any new signings this season. QPR will be fine. And hey, by the way, Chelsea have Torres. I’ve heard of him. Would you like me to talk about him?”

Lorro’s prediction – “A victory for common sense hopefully”

Stoke City v Manchester City

“Stoke aren’t a footballing city so you’ve got to feel for Tony Pulis geeing his lads up then sending them out to such a poor atmosphere. What’s that? They’re signed Michael Owen. Unbelievable. What a signing that is by the way because he’s only going to get better. Why’s he gone to Stoke for goodness sake? Gee whizz. With City, well they’ve got Balotelli y’know. Stupid Mario. Expect him to turn up on a midget’s unicycle that one”.

Lorro’s prediction – 2-0 to Stoke (“I just feel that moneybags City won’t be able to handle Owen’s pace. He lives for goals and loves his football does Michael”)

Reading v Tottenham

“Arry is a character isn’t he but he always gets his sides playing y’know. As daft as this sounds he could be England manager one day. Seriously. Then there’s Scotty Parker. And Defoe will always pop up with a goal. (The Cutter intervenes and informs Lorro about AVB) You get tested for that don’t you? As for Reading…do they still play at Elm Park? Played there once. Awful ground and Robin Friday s*** in my kitbag. I just don’t think they have enough about them to stay up”.

Lorro’s prediction – “Get real. 4-0 to ‘Arry”

Sunderland v Liverpool

“I just think that Rodgers needs time. He inherited a decent squad from Kenny, with a solid foundation on which to build and in Joe Allen Liverpool have the central creativity that Charlie Adam was supposed to supply but was never going to. A lot has been made of their failure to bring Dempsey in but if they can keep Suerez fit and firing there is enough goals throughout the team you feel to make them a good shout for fourth. Let’s not forget either there’s some top young players coming through: Sterling is lightning quick while keep an eye out for Adam Morgan who could make a name for himself in the Capital One Cup…..(we stopped listening at this point)

Lorro’s prediction – “2-0 to the red men”