by Darren Walsh

It’s the traditional European giants of Real Madrid versus the hipster’s choice of Borussia Dortmund. Unfortunately a little of that sheen has been taken off the Germans with the news that Mario Gotze is going to break up the band and join Bayern Munich, which brings us back to remembering that football is more about economics nowadays than romanticism.

In fact Dortmund are being treated like a band that have hit the big time, but everyone wants to say that they were a fan at the beginning. “I can name their 1997 Champion’s League winning team. CAN YOU??”

Ah, the Westfalenstadion (I shall not call it the Signal Iduna Park); my stadium of choice back in the day on FIFA 2001.

And I’ve just realised that that statement has made me sound like one of those hipster people.

One win in 24 for Madrid in Germany throughout their history, not a good sign.

Pepe is “a bit impetuous”, according to Eamon Dunphy. ‘Violent thug’ would be more apt.

No massive banner on the Sudtribune tonight, so everyone gets to see the game.

We have a ‘waiting for camera’ graphic on screen; we already have it chaps!

George Hamilton starts with a “Guten Abend”; obviously been immersing himself in the culture while he’s been there.

George goes into so much detail about Jürgen Klopp that he even mentions that he used to wear rimless glasses at his previous club.

The game clock freezes on 16 seconds, not a great start for RTE. They eventually have to get rid of the whole graphic until they sort it out.

One good chance for Dortmund is followed by another, a great cross for Lewandowski to slide in and finish. That’s the type of finishing that Manchester Utd can look forward to next season, not that they’ve been deprived of good forward play in 2013.

Gotze was the player who delivered the cross, doesn’t seem like he’s being booed or anything.

Gundogan got hit in the mouth by Khedira and wiped some blood on his jersey. I was expecting the ref to send him to the touchline straight away but it seems that he hasn’t noticed it. It’s not quite Terry Butcher, but by today’s standards it seems to be quite prominent on the front of his jersey.

Ronaldo almost manages to clump his full knee into Weidenfeller’s mouth as they challenge for a cross, but the goalkeeper gets up quickly to save him from a talking to by the referee.

We’re getting a lot of long, lingering shots of Ronaldo (“Here he is sizing up a free kick!”) Either the director is a fan or they’ve been briefed to show the main man as often as possible.

Hamilton says that Madrid have a lot of work to do as they have their cup of tea at half time. Cue an image charging into my mind of

Jose bawling at the players while sipping from a china cup with his little finger sticking out.

Talking of Mourinho, as he’s complaining to his assistant he strikes a pose that a ballet dancer might make during the second act of The Nutcracker.

It could be a tie-defining minute: Dortmund have a shout for a penalty (would have been a kind decision), then at the other end Hummels passes back to the keeper but underhits horribly to leave Higuain running onto it and finding Ronaldo to sweep in from close range.

Strange celebration from Madrid, as they only congratulate Ronaldo one by one, almost lined up to hug him.

Well that’s sent everyone in on a downer for half time, with plenty of booing for the referee. Guess Jose can enjoy his tea a bit more now.

I’m distracted and I miss Lewandowski’s early second half goal. No replay is forthcoming but from the sound of things it is a definite offside.

Finally get a replay and he’s level, it was all just hopeful Madrid appealing.

Blaszczykowski can be put through with one pass but doesn’t get it, which leaves him raging. He’s even further pissed when the pass is on again, but Reus fires it over his head.

Lewandowski is adding a few zeros to his transfer fee tonight, as he receives the ball in the box, drags it back onto his right, and crashes it into the roof of the net. A glorious hat trick; is there any other kind?

George Hamilton is pulling out all the German phrases tonight, though I’m not sure that “corner durch technik” makes much sense.
Gundogan almost scores the goal of the night as he dribbles past three players and arrows a shot towards the top corner. Lopez gets a finger on it to save a fourth goal.

Dortmund get their penalty, as Reus is pushed in the back by Alonso. There’s not too much force in the push, but it’s the type of challenge that always gets whistled. Lewandowski steps up to claim his fourth goal. He’s moved from becoming a Dortmund legend to being nailed on to have a statue outside the stadium someday.

Pepe has been the Pole’s (nominal) marker; I’m not sure he’ll ever recover from this experience.

Reus is called offside, but still lifts a brilliant chip into the goal. Wasn’t actually offside either.

Kaka comes on for Madrid. “He’ll change the game”, (I said in 2007)

Hamilton is being very careful not to say Kevin Grosskreutz’s name incorrectly. Can’t imagine what he’s trying to avoid…

For at least the third time Hummels gives the ball away, and Ronaldo might score if not for Weiderfeller sliding out to deny him. If it wasn’t for Hummels Madrid wouldn’t have had any good chances tonight.

Wouldn’t be a Madrid game without Sergio Ramos being booked at some point. He even manages the fabled “double offence” of handballing while also clattering his opponent.

One goal for Madrid could still give them a decent chance of progressing in the tie, and Varane only just misses after a corner gets bandied about in the box.

But they won’t get that goal, and once again we’ve ended up with a German team giving a Spanish outfit a good schooling. Dortmund can be a bit up and down though, so Madrid can’t be ruled out totally yet. They’ve got a bit more of a chance than Barcelona of getting to the final at least.

So the traditionalists despair while the hipsters shall rejoice. “WIR SIND ALLE DORTMUND!!” I believe is the saying around the North Rhine-Westphalia area. They’ll have picked up even more fans after that performance.