So Scotland has spoken, and with a 55/45 vote has decided to stay in the United Kingdom.
Whilst this is great news for union jack manufacturers and people who like to hark back to the war spare a thought for a clutch of Scottish under 21 internationals who this week were on the cusp of being elevated from perfectly ordinary footballers into Youtube sensations.
An unofficial source at Greenock Morton, home of one of the players 20 year old forward Declan McManus, told the Cutter,
“The lads are gutted. I know that some of them have been busy compiling wee video packages of themselves passing five yards to a team-mate or doing a totally unnecessary rabona. All set to a shite rock track that makes your ears bleed. Yesterday they were pretty rubbish British players – I mean, the likes of Rory Mckenzie and Craig Slater at Kilmarnock aren’t going to set the world on fire you know? – but if the reffy had gone their way….ah man they could have suddenly been foreign wonderkids!”
Our source is of course referring to the strange Brtiish habit of being over-enamoured by the exotic and unknown, a predilection to under-value homegrown talent while considering any player from overseas to be potentially out of this world. This is usually propagated by teen virgins on forums claiming to have a thorough knowledge of said player despite in reality having only seen three minutes of footage online.
“Aye some pimply scrote could have been calling young Declan the next Messi this morning. But I said to him in training earlier, ‘Okay son, so you’re not going to be linked to Arsenal any time soon. That ship has sailed. But get your head down, work hard, and this time next year you could be snapped up by Aberdeen’. That’s not the end of the world is it. Is it?”