Ruler of the known world Joseph ‘Sepp’ Blatter tells his life story in a writing style suspiciously similar to Noel Draper.

I was born in Switzerland some time ago. Not long enough ago for me to retire, I’m not that old, but quite a while ago. My father worked in a factory, he was a good man who instilled in me the values that I hold dear today, namely how to treat people like equals and not with say money or goods of high value as that would be classed as bribery, and I hate bribery almost as much as I hate the English F.A.

During my formative years I studied hard, and finally earned a degree in business and economics which would stand me in good stead in my future career. I played a little football during this time and was even offered a contract but my Father told me to turn it down saying, “no-one will ever make any money in football, you have to be the one running it to do that.” It was a pity as I was a good at sticking the round thing between the wooden things and enjoyed the game immensely.

My first proper job after university was as a journalist but I had made other money before that by doing various other jobs such as a wedding singer and a boot cleaner. I even waited on tables at a local restaurant. So don’t tell me I don’t know anything about struggling to make ends meet. I remember those days of hardship vividly. It was around this time that I met my first wife, she was a looker all right and not bad for a 5ft 7″ balding man like myself, and we had my only child.

Still, onwards and upwards as I now was head of public relations for tourism in my local area. A good job, full of perks like lots of meals out at other peoples expense for instance, and a stepping stone to bigger and better things. The bigger and better things happened a few years later when I became the general secretary of the Swiss Ice Hockey Federation. Don’t ask me how; they offered the job and I took it. They gave me a plastic thing with a hook at the end as a present once. No idea what it was. Still don’t.

I left this job to work for a watch company to be a director of Sports Timing and PR. I was involved through this job in the organising of the Olympic games in 1972 and 1976. Great times. You would be amazed at what people will do for you just because you are helping out. Just before the second Olympics I was offered a job as the Technical Director at something called FIFA. I found out that they had something to do with football, the game with the round thing that you kicked, that I had played all those years ago. Immediately I accepted. Soon, through hard work and not by dishing out freebies to important people, I was made General Secretary. As I have said before, I look at all these roles as stepping stones, to bigger and better things. Who knows, one day I might rule the known world!

In 1998 I became ruler of the known world!

It’s obviously very hard to get to do my job and even harder to stay in it especially when your supporters keep getting arrested for bribery and fraud. Still, in the intervening years I have managed to stamp my mark on the global game that is football.

When I started the role we had never heard of racism but apparently the game was rife with it so, through lots of handshakes, we have wiped it out. I have managed to increase exposure of the women’s game, not by tightening the uniforms in the trouser area and getting them to wear low cut tops as that would be sexist but by promoting the female aesthetic. The more men that go and watch a women’s game the better in my view. I have also stopped horrible diseases spreading during future World Cups by holding them in gay unfriendly countries in the winter. By giving the 2018 World Cup to Russia I have also brought peace and stability to the region as football is stronger than any other movement.

As a gesture of goodwill I gave the authority to publish the accounts of FIFA for 2014. We are nothing if not transparent. Yes we do have 1.5 billion dollars in cash reserves. This is just petty cash in case a World Cup is cancelled. Yes we paid key management personnel nearly 40 million dollars in 2014. No you can’t know how much I paid myself as that would be unethical. It costs a lot of money to rule the world. We will also be publishing the corruption report from 2014 as soon as we remove all the big words and make sure that we don’t have to give Russia or Qatar any money back.

I am currently about to throw my hat in for a fifth term of running the world. I know I said I would step down but the world of football still needs me. Obviously, when you are as famous as I am, there is no point actually publishing a manifesto to set out my future plans as that would be stupid but suffice it to say that I have lots of them and they are all very, very good.

So there we are, my story. From humble beginnings I have managed pull myself up to be ruler of the known world without resorting to bribery, corruption, stupid decisions, sexist comments or racism and I look forward to doing it again when I win the next presidential elections this year.