Culkin in rehearsals yesterday.

Culkin in rehearsals yesterday.

In yet another scorching Cutter exclusive we reveal all the breaking news on an exciting new West End production that is sure to run and run. And run.

The Cutter understands that the protracted transfer of Kevin De Bruyne to Manchester City is to be turned into a West End musical with Macaulay Culkin set to star as the young Belgian winger.

The Wolfsburg wonder has been heavily linked with a big-money return to England since before he originally left England and was still with Chelsea in a bizarre time continuum that makes no sense. He’s been linked for a very, very long time in other words.

The drawn-out affair of an ambitious player wanting to move from one Champion’s League club to another has contained more twists and turns than a slalom ski course and has captivated the football public who have absolutely not found the whole business extremely tedious.

Now, wishing to capitalise on this intense will-he-won’t-he high-drama acclaimed impresario Cinnamon Mackintosh has decided to round up some of theatreland’s leading talents to produce a big-budget gripping spectacle that is sure to be a smash hit across London town.

Tentatively titled ‘The Never Ending Story 2’ the project has sparked such interest as to prompt a bidding war between the capital’s most well-known venues with the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane currently favourite to house the next Billy Elliott.

“I don’t care where it runs. This is a tale that needs to be told!” Mackintosh informed us in yet another Cutter exclusive.

“This ain’t no Elton John/Lion King shit, this is high art. We’ve got Sondheim to do the numbers with a script written by some German fella you’ve probably never heard of. The scene where young Kevin is packing his boots into a pumpbag only to be told the move is off again…well if that doesn’t break your heart you’re Katie Hopkins. I’ve been in the business for fifty years and I’ve got a very good feeling about TNES2. For one thing it’s dragged on in the papers for longer than the Mousetrap has been playing somewhere in the world so if art mirrors life we’re quids in.”

And what of the casting? Since news first broke of the forthcoming production speculation has been wild and plentiful over who might play Manuel Pellegrini with some even suggesting it has been offered to Coronation Street’s Sue Nicholls.

Mackintosh however pours scorn on the against-type rumour.

“No, we haven’t yet settled on Manuel but the rest of the cast is coming together nicely. Macaulay has been in on the process from the start fascinated as he is with the whole saga. Looking a bit like him helps too of course. I can also reveal this morning that the role of Klaus Allofs – Wolfsburg’s Director of Sport – was offered to Bruno Ganz but he alas turned it down. He said after spending months perfecting the mannerisms of Adolf Hitler for Downfall he was tired of playing really annoying people.”