Kieran Davies sums up a week of touchline bans and strawberry blondes on the brink.

He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy! The Special One is used to breaking records early in his managerial career, now he is continuing to re-write the record books. A worse start to the season than David Moyes and Louis Van Gaal is the latest accolade as The Negative One finds life at Old Trafford tough. Eighth in the table and below Watford, Man Utd were frustrated last weekend by Sean Dyche’s Burnley and in particular Tom Heaton. The ex-United youth product put in a man of the match display to earn his side a very creditable point. Cue an £89m bid from United in January? True to form as is the case when he doesn’t fancy facing a tirade of awkward questions Mourinho sent his assistant to face the post-match press conferences. Like a Middle Eastern dictator sending his body double to a function, Jose decided it was for the greater cause for his number two to take the bullet for him. Florence and the Machine told us how the dog days were over but even the most ardent Red Devils fan must realise the Fergie days are over and no return is in sight.

Fenerbahce reminded them of their beatable status in the week as they struggle to cope with the rigours of Europa League football. A trip to South Wales beckons this weekend as they face a Swansea City side winless under new coach Bob Bradley. With one win all season, Bradley’s side are showing the form of relegation fodder and will need to turn things around quickly if they are to avoid the drop, starting with a win over Jose’s disjointed side. Well beaten at Stoke last week, they will be hoping the home faithful can lift them and inspire a home win.

In the same way watching The Jeremy Kyle Show can eclipse any woe in your life at the time, watching Sunderland currently must inspire the same ‘well it could be a lot worse’ thought for Swansea fans. David Moye’s side look like they couldn’t win a raffle if they bought the only tickets at the moment and with a trip to Eddie Howe’s Bournemouth this weekend, talk is of how defeat could be the catalyst for the strawberry blondes departure from the North East. However, Ellis Short may need to check on the availability of Harry Potter as his replacement as this side looks in need of a spell or two to turn this one around. Like his successor at Old Trafford, Moyes will be missing from the touchline as both he and Mourinho find themselves with touchline bans.

Burnley host Crystal Palace knowing victory would propel them into the top half of the table, a feat never achieved in the club’s history in the top flight, so no doubt the atmosphere at Turf Moor will be electric.

What a week it’s been for Pep Guardiola, an emphatic 4-0 win at The Hawthorns last weekend was then followed up with a stunning 3-1 win against Barcelona after going 1-0 down to a Lionel Messi goal. With Middlesbrough the visitors this time around, surprisingly, City have a horrendous record having only won four of the previous twenty games against Boro in the Premier League era. Surely it’s too much to ask of Karanka’s men to replicate their performance at Arsenal against the Premier League pace setters?

West Ham United, the team having more problems at home than a troublesome child, host Stoke City this afternoon. Bilic will be hoping his players have more fight in them than their fans for a rare occasion against Mark Hughes’ side. With Joe Allen enjoying the freedom of his new number 10 role and Bony finally finding the net with a brace, this game has accumulator killer written all over it. After finding themselves in the relegation mix in the early stages of the season, Hughes’ team have managed to lift themselves to 12th in the table with a good run of form since. To continue this run, his defence will have to find a way to shackle the little magician Dimitri Payet to nullify the West Ham threat.

The late kick off today sees Chelsea host Ronald Koeman’s Everton. With The Blues undefeated in 21 league games at home against The Toffees, it will take a mammoth performance from the Toffees to get anything out of this one. Romelu Lukaku will be looking to remind the home faithful what a mistake they made by letting the big Belgian go. While that seems as likely as Yaya Toure picking up Man Citys player of the year award, stranger things have happened. This is the Premier League after all.

One team who will be happy to get back to league action is Tottenham Hotspur. After another home defeat in the Champions League, things don’t get any easier for Pochettino’s men as they travel to Arsenal for a North London derby. The Argentine’s side are still unbeaten in the league this season and will be hoping this is still the case by Sunday evening. Harry Kane may be fit for a welcomed return but after defeat in the week underlining Spurs’ horrendous form when they get to call Wembley home, they will be looking to get one over their rivals to perk up their fans. Next season Spurs will be calling Wembley home every home match in the Premier League and unless they shake off their hoodoo this is the form of Championship status.

Hull City are finding wins hard to come by since their fantastic start to the season. With Southampton visiting this weekend, the task at hand will be no easier for Mike Phelan. Liverpool host Watford at Anfield on Sunday after having a relaxing week with no midweek football to distract them (the same as 75% of the rest of the league) and as Jurgen Klopp said in his pre-match press conference when asked if this were an advantage, maybe you should ask Manchester United this in January. The free scoring Reds would expect to dispose of Watford and potentially go into the international break top of the table should other results go their way. The Hornets will not be a pushover by any stretch of the imagination as they have only lost one of their last seven games.

Finally, defending champions Leicester will host West Brom, hoping to build upon their qualification from their Champion’s League group with a win over Pullis men. The Welshman will still be quite bitter with his side shipping so many goals last week, despite the opposition. He will be hoping to capitalise on the extra strain European football may have on Leicester’s relatively small squad.